All right, I've heard the whole hub-bub about this new book that's supposedly getting men to propose marriage faster than it takes glass to break. And NO, I didn't buy the book (though I have had selected passages read to me by frazzled friends who are now seemingly digging in their garbage pails for the ashes of their former Victoria Secret Specials).
I say it's about time somebody put down the real important rules on how to get a guy NOT to commit. After all, commitment can be messy, costly and fattening. What is it, 20 lbs. the average woman gains a year after marriage? Besides, do you really want to spend your Saturday nights watching re-runs of Melrose Place while matching up his socks? I didn't think so. Therefore, as a public service, I feel it my obligation to set down 50 Ways to Get Your Lover to Leave You (why break up with someone, when you can get them to dump you and live with guilt hanging over their heads for the rest of their lives?).
|1. On your first date, wear something really
Come on now, you can't play the game if you don't get
to the starting point to start with. Let him think you're
Talula incarnate. Get out that really expensive dress,
with the plunging neckline that lets him know exactly
what you have to offer. So what if you have to keep
going to the ladies room to hike the damn thing back
up every two minutes, he'll just think you have a weak
bladder. It'll make him feel macho, as he sits at your
dinner table by himself, rolling his eyes to all the other
men peering into their overpriced Chardonnay.
When you return to your table, be very serious.
After all, you wouldn't want to laugh too loud and
make him think you were having fun. If he thinks
you like him, he might never want to get rid of you
and then where would you be? Also, make sure you
have clean underwear on, it might become a crucial
factor if you decide to
|2. Go to bed with him on the first date.
That's a sure way to never see him again.
Be certain when you offer him a condom
to let him know you have the
Extra Large kind with you, but recommend
a more modest size.
|3. If you decide to stretch this thing out longer and skip step
on the second date, wear something comfortable. Forget
the high heels, they make you walk like a broken ballerina
anyway and will form corns and blisters that will most likely far
outlive your relationship. You know that ratty old sweatshirt
you just love to hang out in, why not let him see you in that?
Clothes with large moth size holes in them are good too -- leaves
more room for your sweat to breathe. Remember, pheromones
attract ‚ body odor repels ‚ as with everything, you have options.
If he asks about your attire, tell him you're so happy to be able to
just be yourself around him. In fact, this is about the time you
should start planning with him where you'd like to move to when
you two are married.
|4. Tell him about your old boyfriends
ALL OF THEM.
Spare none of the sordid details of the
wild and exotic courtship all the
way to the nasty break-up. This
lets him know exactly what
he's competing with and just
what waits in store for him at
the end of the romantic rainbow.
|5. Invite him to a place you know there
will be lots of screaming babies around.
The carousel at the park, your nephews
birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese, a matinee
showing of 101 Dalmations. This should
be supplemented with lots of photos of
your friends kids and your secret undying
wish to become a mother.
|6. Show him your apartment
Let those dirty socks and underwear
fall where they may. Revel in the
dirty dishes and used wadded up
Kleenex's. You're too busy to clean
anyway. Mention your plans to get
a maid, when you can afford one.
Better yet, ask if you can borrow his.
|8. Ask him if he wouldn't mind
walking your dog
for you while you get ready for
your date. What the hell, it buys
you more time and gives him and
Fido a chance to get to know
|9. While on your date, order the most expensive
thing on the menu and just pick at it.
Let him think you're just a surreal, fragile creature who
lives on nothing but air and Danish butter cookies.
Make sure you order dessert though. But remember,
don't actually eat any of it (you can always load up on
food before you go out, so you'll have the requisite
will-power to do this.) If he's eating too much, point
out his love handles and recommend a good gym
near his home. If you really want him out of your
life, offer to cut his meat for him.
DON'T DO THIS!!
|10. Don't ever call him. Why make him think you care
when you really don't? When he does finally call, let your answering
machine pick it up and call him the next day. Making him feel small
and insignificant will work wonders on your freedom quotient.
11. Talk about money his money, that
is. Does he have a 401k? You would, you say, but you're too
busy paying off your maxed out credit cards. When the bill arrives, never
offer to pay any of it. Let him think you're poor and destitute, just waiting
for someone to support you in the lifestyle you'd like to become accustomed
|12. Cook for him. Let him know just what a little
Suzy homemaker you really can be when you set your
mind to it. If he offers to cook any part of the meal,
make sure you berate it adequately, saying you have no
idea how he managed to get this far in life on his own
without becoming a malnutrition victim.
|13. Don't be too
In fact, have no
Let him do all
You'll be too
down the raspberry
Besides, he doesn't
need to know you
have a personality.
|14. Make him perform
an exotic dance for you
in his underwear while singing
the words to "I'm a little teacup."
Okay, I admit, this just might
be fun for you; but it'll have
a lasting effect on his psyche
in the future.
Alright, so that's 14 ways and not 50, but let's face it, if he's still around after all this, you probably should marry him. After all, if he can cook, clean, likes kids AND is willing to dance around in his underwear, he might just be worth keeping.
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