All right, I've heard the whole hub-bub about this new book that's supposedly getting men to propose marriage faster than it takes glass to break. And NO, I didn't buy the book (though I have had selected passages read to me by frazzled friends who are now seemingly digging in their garbage pails for the ashes of their former Victoria Secret Specials).

I say it's about time somebody put down the real important rules on how to get a guy NOT to commit. After all, commitment can be messy, costly and fattening. What is it, 20 lbs. the average woman gains a year after marriage? Besides, do you really want to spend your Saturday nights watching re-runs of Melrose Place while matching up his socks? I didn't think so. Therefore, as a public service, I feel it my obligation to set down 50 Ways to Get Your Lover to Leave You (why break up with someone, when you can get them to dump you and live with guilt hanging over their heads for the rest of their lives?).

1. On your first date, wear something really sexy. Come on now, you can't play the game if you don't get to the starting point to start with. Let him think you're Talula incarnate. Get out that really expensive dress, with the plunging neckline that lets him know exactly what you have to offer. So what if you have to keep going to the ladies room to hike the damn thing back up every two minutes, he'll just think you have a weak bladder. It'll make him feel macho, as he sits at your dinner table by himself, rolling his eyes to all the other men peering into their overpriced Chardonnay. When you return to your table, be very serious. After all, you wouldn't want to laugh too loud and make him think you were having fun. If he thinks you like him, he might never want to get rid of you and then where would you be? Also, make sure you have clean underwear on, it might become a crucial factor if you decide to

2. Go to bed with him on the first date. That's a sure way to never see him again. Be certain when you offer him a condom to let him know you have the Extra Large kind with you, but recommend a more modest size.

3. If you decide to stretch this thing out longer and skip step two, on the second date, wear something comfortable. Forget the high heels, they make you walk like a broken ballerina anyway and will form corns and blisters that will most likely far outlive your relationship. You know that ratty old sweatshirt you just love to hang out in, why not let him see you in that? Clothes with large moth size holes in them are good too -- leaves more room for your sweat to breathe. Remember, pheromones attract ‚ body odor repels ‚ as with everything, you have options. If he asks about your attire, tell him you're so happy to be able to just be yourself around him. In fact, this is about the time you should start planning with him where you'd like to move to when you two are married.

4. Tell him about your old boyfriends ALL OF THEM. Spare none of the sordid details of the wild and exotic courtship all the way to the nasty break-up. This lets him know exactly what he's competing with and just what waits in store for him at the end of the romantic rainbow.

5. Invite him to a place you know there will be lots of screaming babies around. The carousel at the park, your nephews birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese, a matinee showing of 101 Dalmations. This should be supplemented with lots of photos of your friends kids and your secret undying wish to become a mother.

6. Show him your apartment BEFORE CLEANING. Let those dirty socks and underwear fall where they may. Revel in the dirty dishes and used wadded up Kleenex's. You're too busy to clean anyway. Mention your plans to get a maid, when you can afford one. Better yet, ask if you can borrow his.

7. INTRODUCE HIM TO YOUR PARENTS

8. Ask him if he wouldn't mind walking your dog for you while you get ready for your date. What the hell, it buys you more time and gives him and Fido a chance to get to know one another.

9. While on your date, order the most expensive thing on the menu and just pick at it. Let him think you're just a surreal, fragile creature who lives on nothing but air and Danish butter cookies. Make sure you order dessert though. But remember, don't actually eat any of it (you can always load up on food before you go out, so you'll have the requisite will-power to do this.) If he's eating too much, point out his love handles and recommend a good gym near his home. If you really want him out of your life, offer to cut his meat for him.

DON'T DO THIS!!

10. Don't ever call him. Why make him think you care about him when you really don't? When he does finally call, let your answering machine pick it up and call him the next day. Making him feel small and insignificant will work wonders on your freedom quotient.

12. Cook for him. Let him know just what a little Suzy homemaker you really can be when you set your mind to it. If he offers to cook any part of the meal, make sure you berate it adequately, saying you have no idea how he managed to get this far in life on his own without becoming a malnutrition victim.

13. Don't be too opinionated. In fact, have no opinions whatsoever. Let him do all the talking. You'll be too busy scarfing down the raspberry truffle anyway. Besides, he doesn't need to know you have a personality.

14. Make him perform an exotic dance for you in his underwear while singing the words to "I'm a little teacup." Okay, I admit, this just might be fun for you; but it'll have a lasting effect on his psyche in the future.

Alright, so that's 14 ways and not 50, but let's face it, if he's still around after all this, you probably should marry him. After all, if he can cook, clean, likes kids AND is willing to dance around in his underwear, he might just be worth keeping.