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The minute I got to the Dermablend counter I was frightened.

"Maximum coverage for discoloration, veins and scarring," said a big sign for the product line at the counter. I wondered if my insurance would cover this."

"Can I help you?" asked Ms. Dermablend, a moon faced woman who looked like a cross between my high school nurse and Rosie O'Donnell.

I felt compelled to pour out my whole sad tale to this woman. I had dark circles, flaking skin, puffy eyes and I was like the desert... and I still hadn't found an antidote that would give me under-eyes like Michelle Pfeiffer's.

"I have just what you need. Your skin is what we call, an in-between color. Meaning you're bluish white and yet you have red in your face all at the same time. We counter that by mixing two concealers for a color that will EXACTLY match your skin tone. Isn't that exciting?!"

I was excited. I would've jumped for joy, only I no longer had the energy. I didn't care what it cost. I didn't have to eat, pay rent, buy laundry detergent... just give me the goods and let me out of here, I thought. But before I could protest, I had become yet another make-up counter guinea pig.

This time, while I was once again being swathed of my natural oils, I was met with glares and critiques from various women passing the counter. One woman asked me where the bathroom was. Another stopped to tell me my skin looked ruddy.

"Yes, she is ruddy," Ms. Dermablend agreed, the traitor. The two of them stood there examining my ruddy complexion before Ms. Dermablend had a moment of inspiration so great, I thought she was going to bust out of her double knit blazer. "You have allergies!"

"Sure, sometimes, when they cut the grass. And I've been told to avoid pig spores."

"Do you take Seldane?" she asked.

"Seldane? Yeah, I do."

"Do you take it EVERY DAY?"

"No, just when I can't breathe, or when I see a Melanie Griffith flick."

"There's your problem. You have SERIOUS sinusitis, which is giving you dark circles."

My condition was sounding grave. Perhaps I'd soon require hospitalization.

"If you'd take your Seldane every day, like you're supposed to, you wouldn't have this problem. Believe me, I know. I've been taking Seldane for years. I used to do what you did. I had such problems - sinuses, food allergies - they were even thinking of operating," she said.

I thought of questioning her on how one would operate on a food allergy, but by then Dermawoman was explaining to me, in graphic detail, how Seldane worked in the brain. About uptake inhibitors vs. Antihistamines. She was about to draw diagrams before I promised, loud and clear to take my Seldane every day like a good girl and get my allergies re-tested.

"Good. Now take this concealer, which is also good for leg veins. You know, varicose, spider veins... Have you had children yet?

No, I don't have children. What are you, my mother?

It was at that moment that I realized I didn't belong at the makeup counter at all. I belonged anywhere - at home, watching the Yankee game, defragging my computer, clipping my dog's toenails - Anywhere but there.

"I'll just take the concealer and go," I said, gathering my things.

"If you'll wait a second, I'll run down and get you a free sample of our vein coverage and setting powder. You really can't wear it without the powder or it'll run all over your clothes, your car..."

"That's okay. I think I'll keep my veins the way they are." I thought of being defiant and going completely bare-faced and ruddy to spite them all, but then again, what could a little makeup hurt... right?