MY FUTURE FOR A COOKIE


Ever since I saw that episode of the Twilight Zone, where William Shatner pops into some hick diner with his frowsy girlfriend only to find he’s seated next to a coin-op Fortune Machine that, for a nickel, tells everything that’s going to happen in his life, I’ve wanted one.

Yes, I know all the arguments about how the future is what you make of it, free will and all that Descartes crap, but I want answers.

I’ve tried the horoscope thing. It’s not bad, except I never know what to do when one magazine’s reading contradicts another; like when my sign in Cosmo tells me I’m up for some big social activity for the month and the reading in Glamour warns not to go out of the house for fear of death by a large explosive device.

I’ve had friends whip me up one of those nifty astro-charts but with all the rising signs, ascending moons, trines and green clovers, I think I’d have an easier time understanding what’s in store by eating a bowl of Lucky Charms.

We won’t get into Dionne Warwick and her psychic friends. She’s just too frightening (though finding out how she convinced Billy Dee Williams to flash his Brite-Lite smile at 3 in the morning would certainly be worth a phone call).

I don’t drink tea, so leaves are out and I don't think coffee grinds are an exceptable substitute. Don’t have the cash flow for a Soho Psychic. And numerology? Are you kidding, I can’t even figure out how to balance my checkbook.

So that really only leaves one alternative. Fortune Cookies.

You may scoff, but why not find the answers to life’s great mysteries in a fortune cookie? They’re as good a place as any AND you can eat them. So, in the interest of science, I proceeded to order up on the Cold Sesame Noodles and Lake Tung Ting Shrimp (my favorite, I gotta find this lake one day, it would make a great pilgrimage. Never mind Israel or Mecca, I’ll bet Lake Tung Ting has some answers).

In each batch of illustrious, grease laden take-out, I received my reward: the key to my future. As in any true scientific experiment, I followed strict procedure. Open cookie only AFTER the meal was consumed. Only one cookie per evening, or else the order would be deemed null and void (after all, if proffered two fortunes, I could accidentally open the wrong one). Cookies that were cracked, opened or tampered with in any way would not be tolerated. Nor would soggy cookies, because the actual cookie had to be ingested and I really can’t stand a rubbery fortune cookie.

Read it and eat!