How to Meet a Dame


By now, you've probably ran across all those fancy ads in your email box, offering you how to meet a bonafide femme and keep her happy. Well, save your money boys… I'm going to tell you how to turn yourself into a veritable Casanova FOR FREE.


That's right, soon you'll be on your way to a no-fuss, no muss relationship if you just follow these simple steps. You might want to get out a pad and take notes (or cut and paste these precious tidbits and keep them under your pillow… there's much to be said by learning via the theory of osmosis).


First you must find a woman. Considering they make up over half the population, this shouldn't be TOO much of a problem. Unfortunately, you'll probably do better at this step if you go out of the house. Now I know there's plenty of women to meet on the Net… and God knows, those phone sex babes look hot, but unless you're going to be satisfied with masturbation, virtual or otherwise and an intimate relationship with Ma GTE, you're going to have to have physical contact with one of them at some point, might as well be prepared.


Gloves are really handy for avoiding catching any pesky diseases from the feminine gender (be warned, at latest report common sense has been found to be contagious). Perfume and make-up can rub off on you and leave your pheromones in overdrive, so it's good to come prepared. Unless you're a gynecologist, proctologist or any of those "ist" specialists, you might want to skip the rubber gloves (you might be giving them ideas that you wash dishes). DRIVING gloves, however, look really cool and might confuse them into thinking you own a Mazaradi or some fancy car they could possibly get a ride in one day, if they treat you right. As far as any OTHER kind of gloves you might be thinking about wearing, well, I'd suggest finding a woman before you get too excited about this option. But if you do find the occassion to need one of these, remember gloves are cool, but stay away from mittens.


When gearing up to meet a woman, make sure you're wearing clothes, preferably clean ones. Women have an acute sense of smell, and desperation clings to most any of your new fangled fabrics these days. Why, even perfectly good 3 day old Jockeys carry the distinctive odor of fear deep within their panels… better to play it safe and just crack out a new pair. By stocking up on MANY versions of your uniform to conquer, you might never have to look a box of TIDE in the face. It costs more, but it's worth it.


As far as outer garments go… stay away from all things orange, brown or chartreuse. Women have an innate sense of color they don't tell you about, and these colors send signals to their brains that repel. You want to keep with safe colors -- blue, chicks love blue. Ever notice the dudes in the beer ads are always getting chicks easy? That's because they're wearing BLUE jeans (okay, so maybe the fact that they also aren't wearing a shirt and have pecks like The Man From Atlantis doesn't hurt… but it's the BLUE jeans that women are really responding too).

Black works okay and hides dirt well, but you might look kind of funky wearing an all black ensemble on the beach (unless you own a motorcycle, then women actually expect it).


Warning: Avoid all hats when venturing out to talk to women. Hats make women think of Bugsy Seigel, their Uncle Sol and Dudley Dooright. Unless you want to be thought of as a gangster an old guy or a cartoon character, keep away from these at all costs. This, of course, doesn't include the standard baseball cap, which is very good for hiding any lack of hair you might possess… or not possess, as the case may be. A standard Yankee cap could save you a fortune in Rogaine bills, something for you to consider.


Okay, so now that you've got some suitable attire, in appropriate colors and gloves, you can go forth and conquer. The only problem is, if you do find a woman that grills your loins like a slab o' barbecue, eventually you're going to have to talk to her.


Women love guys who talk. I know it's unfair, but they do. They also like guys who listen when they talk, so there's a lot of things to remember here, you might want to highlight this section and make it blink or something. Maybe load up that fancy shmancy Java Applet of the chattering teeth, that took me twenty years to create. Let's wait for it, shall we (it's a good practice of patience, something you're going to need in the "listening" section of the dame plan anyway).


You see a woman on the street, in a bar, while picking up knishes at the local supermarket, you're attracted to her, she floats your boat… whatever. You have to SAY something or else she'll wander out of your life, into the arms of some guy in a cheap blue suit that has a tattoo on his left arm of Bugs Bunny on a moped. WHAT do you say? Here's a sampling of options:


  1. Hello -- Short but sweet.
  2. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter -- If you're in the market, holding a tub of margarine and happen to work in advertising, this might be the opener for you.
  3. You have beautiful hair -- She'll think you're a hairdresser, or that male pattern baldness runs in your family and you're jealous of her, but what the heck.
  4. Do you know if these give you salmonella if you don't cook them long enough? -- Women love to be helpful and add meaning to a guy's life.
  5. I'm lost, can you tell me how to get to Main Street -- You're already scoring points by showing you're the one man on Earth who will ask for directions.
  6. That's an interesting looking drink you got there, what is it? -- Just make sure she's not sipping water.
  7. Who created liquid soap and why -- For the offbeat approach, this might work. So long as you realize you're quoting a line from "The Sure Thing."
  8. That's an interesting cd you have in your hand, where'd you get it?-- Works best in a record store, otherwise she'll think you're accusing her of stealing it.
  9. You are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen -- Say this only if she's deaf and looking the other way.
  10. It's really beautiful out today, isn't it? -- Make sure it's not raining.
  11. Hello -- still your best option.


While you're worrying what you're going to say to her, make sure you leave room for her response. It's amazing, but as early as 1857, women were found to possess the amazing capacity to have a conversation. When prompted by such bizarre questions like, "What's your name?" "Where do you work?" "What do you like to do?" You might just get a slew of answers and insight into the woman of your dreams. You also might get a chance at a meaningful relationship, a shot at finding whether she prefers boxers or briefs on a man, an advantage at picking the winning Lotto numbers, a headcold, enough information to write the great American novel, a recipe for beef and lamb kabobs or a date.


Say you've had an initial conversation with her and she hasn't bolted for the nearest exit… NOW WHAT?


Ask for her phone number, you dork! That's right, unless she lives in the Adirondacs and communes with wolves, she will have a telephone, and assuming you haven't been a jerk, she might give you the number. Ask for it, plain and simple. Tell her you'd like to take her out sometime, to the movies, to dinner, to Paris for an all-expense paid weekend on the Seine. When you get the number, DO NOT LOSE IT. You only get one chance. If you bump into her again and HAVE lost the number (or the nerve to call), be prepared for the effects of a frying pan smattering in the side of your face (don't worry, the number of a plastic surgeon can be easily obtained from many services on the Net for a small fee).


Bluesy, I have a date with this woman and I don't know what to do with her.


First step, DON'T PANIC. There's plenty of things to do with your average dame that don't require an Advanced Degree in Biochemics. There's always the standard stuff, dinner and a movie, driving around town in a slow moving snow removal vehicle… but why not make a real impression on the woman. Dare to be different.


  1. Take her bungee jumping. A terrifying, life threatening experience has been shown to bring people closer together. If your budget can't afford this, try riding the subway together.

  3. Offer to come over to her place, cook her dinner, walk her dog, clean her closets and paint a shuffleboard game on the worn out tile in her spare bathroom. Women love men who are helpful.

  5. Watch fireworks together. There's nothing more romantic than some smashing, razzmatazz pyrotechnical display. You might think that fireworks are only on the Fourth of July. Not so. You'll find plenty of fireworks at outdoor concerts, like the Hollywood Bowl or NY Philharmonic (listening to the music with a fancy picnic dinner is a plus), Disneyland or any of your major amusement parks (and rollercoasters are a proven aphrodisiac anyway), State Fairs (complete with a kitschy fun house, Tunnel of Love and Cow Chip tossing contests… just make sure you win her a stuffed animal that YOU carry for most of the evening), private parties you might consider getting invited to by rich Sheiks from Saudi Arabia. Worse comes to worse, you could always consider lighting some candles and letting your stereo feedback make popping noises to simulate the effect, but be warned, women can usually tell the real stuff from the fake in these matters.

  7. Fly to a distant country where neither of you speak the language. That way you're guaranteed to talk to each other on your first date, since nobody else will understand a damned thing you say anyway. Besides, everything you say will sound THAT much more intelligent.

  9. Take her out Dancing. Ballroom Dancing is very romantic and can be found at most weddings, wakes and barmitzvas. If you don't know anyone getting married, keeling over or becoming a man, you could always go to some place like ROSELAND that holds these things on a regular basis; and the chance that you'll be surrounded by people your grandparents age will only lessen the competition for her attention.

If you really want to cut a rug, you're best off hanging around hotel lounges, especially in Vegas, where you'll get people like Ashford and Simpson singing "I Will Survive" AND you have a chance at winning some dough at the Blackjack tables when you've danced her toes off and she needs a rest (or some bandages from the local first Aid, in case you've broken anything). Remember, you want the night to be memorable. Just don't bet the nest egg or you'll have no way to get back home later. Walking barefoot and penniless through the Mohave desert might not leave the sort of impression on her you desire.


 The date's over, neither of you suffered any physical scarring and you're both pretty much feeling good about the whole thing. NOW WHAT?


Don't ask me, it's your party. It's bad enough you don't know how to get a date to begin with, now I have to hold your hand through EVERYTHING? Didn't your mother ever teach you anything? Or your father? Or your dog? Don't you floss between meals? Wash your hands after you use the bathroom? Know how to program your VCR or at least make the time stop flashing? Aren't you sick of people telling you what to do?


If not, then I can't help you any further. I did notice there's an abundance of Dominatrix numbers on the Public Access Channel these days, you might want to try them. Maybe the Psychic Hotline will help you out. They seem to profess to know everything about you just by a single phone call (and it'll only cost you a quarter of your gross salary and might be considered tax deductible for the emotionally challenged).


I've also found a lot of the answer to life's great questions are secretly stored in Comic books. Batman, he was shy, had a helluva time with girls but look at how good he turned out. He's got George Clooney wearing his suit with Elle Macpherson draped on his arm, how bad could his advise be?


Or else, you could always drop a chunk of change to the dudes who advertise in your Email box, saying THEY can guarantee they can run your life for you, for a small fee.

Than again, there's always your parents for that.

As with anything in life, you have options.